Posted on: Sunday, June 12, 2005
When positives turn to negatives ...
By Catherine E. Toth
Advertiser
Staff Writer
Women are working more. Men are dealing with changing roles at home.
Both aren't spending enough time with their friends — or even just alone.
Hawaii Psychological Association: 521-8995 or http://www.hawaiipsych.org/ Romance — which involves talking, sharing, listening, understanding — is one
tool to get a relationship back on track.
You can start with recalling — and appreciating — the positive traits you saw
in your partner while you were dating.
"In the romance period, you're attached, you're blinded by it, you only see
the positives," said Susan Frieder, a licensed clinical psychologist on Maui.
"Then the negatives start to appear, which were there already."
Those negative traits can trigger childhood wounds, she added. Feelings of
abandonment, abuse, neglect. These feelings don't always stem from a traumatic
childhood; they could be derived from less severe experiences such as a parent
having to work two jobs or a competitive relationship with a sibling.
"Everybody is wounded," Frieder said, "because nobody got enough love. Nobody
could give enough love."
It's important for couples to recognize how these feelings are hurting the
relationship, she said. Then learn to deal with them, often with professional
help.
"You have to become aware of (these issues) to change them," Frieder said.
"Once you're aware of them, then you can express them to your partner in a
rational way. Your partner needs to listen and empathize with your point of
view."
Communication is critical in facilitating change, experts say.
"A lot of times women want to share and the men in their lives don't know how
to listen," Gold said. "Or he'll listen, but start to take (what she says)
personally, gets angry and feels attacked. Then it ricochets from there."
Experts say sharing feelings without blaming is critical in effectively
dealing with problems. And romance can help.
"Men and women want something that's special for them," said Mitzi Gold, a
licensed clinical psychologist. "It can be a thought or an action or a gift ...
(But) communication is the key."
No wonder couples have so many problems.
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